Exclusive! How To Pitch New Trump Sickly Rich Mag

Donald Trump, wife and babyIt was recently announced that Donald Trump is launching a new magazine devoted to angry and disturbed rich people who need to buy more things to avoid examining their own vacant lives.

To the public the magazine will be known as Trump Magazine but behind the scenes it’s know as the Lifestyles of the Sickly Rich.  The photo, left, may be the first cover of the magazine, expected to launch this November.

You can see by this picture the tenderness and joy beaming on The Donald’s face as he takes in his new baby, the result of his blessed, rich seed.  He is not even distracted by his wife’s enormous Slovanian breasts, threatening to spill out of her dress and crush the baby, who seems like he has already started on a lifelong supply of anti-depressents. The Donald’s wife Melania rests her left hand on her knee because she cannot lift it up – the diamonds weighing down her wrist are too heavy. Don’t they look so happy and spontaneous together that they may jump up at any moment and throw the baby in the air and do the boogaloo?

According to Gawker:

What’s the premise behind the magazine? “It’s the third relaunch of a brand that dozens of advertisers won’t go near, on a publication schedule that guarantees nothing can be timely or more than marginally detailed, being done for a man with no compunctions about screwing his licensees into the ground,” a (totally disgruntled, for obvious reasons) former staffer told us. – Gawker

Of course, Trump has been out hawking this magazine that is “something special and will be very successful.” 

So how do you pitch to the sickly rich?

1. Flash big bucks. Eat $100 hamburgers of kobe beef in truffle oil. Talk billions with a “b,” millions is chump change. You can be tacky. Canyon Ranch is still hip to this crowd. Advertise, you’ll get covered.

2. Insult somebody. The Donald called Dan Rather a loser because he got poor ratings at CBS. Donald gets good ratings with bleached hair, a combover and a sneering condescension that middle America seems to love. Pass the Doritos and tell Donald to go screw himself. They’ll do a story on your client.

3. Flash big bucks AND insult somebody. More, more, more of everything. Why do it once when you can do it 10 times? Have your client jump out of a car going 100 miles an hour. They’ll do the story.

Contact: Shelly Schmigeggum, Collins Avenue, Miami FL, 98567

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