Summer in the City

THE WEATHER 

New York, Manhattan (New York)

357 PM EDT MON AUG 6 2007
…HEAT ADVISORY IN EFFECT FROM 1 PM TO 6 PM EDT TUESDAY…
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN UPTON HAS ISSUED A HEAT
ADVISORY…WHICH IS IN EFFECT FROM 1 PM TO 6 PM EDT TUESDAY.
THE COMBINATION OF TEMPERATURES IN THE LOWER TO MID 90S ALONG WITH HIGH HUMIDITY WILL RESULT IN HEAT INDEX VALUES AROUND 100 DEGREES FOR SEVERAL HOURS DURING THE AFTERNOON. A HEAT ADVISORY IS ISSUED WHEN HIGH HUMIDITIES ARE EXPECTED TO COMBINE WITH HOT TEMPERATURES TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS 100 TO 104 DEGREES.  DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS…STAY IN AN AIR-CONDITIONED ROOM…STAY OUT OF THE SUN…AND CHECK UP ON RELATIVES AND NEIGHBORS.

And by all means, do not go down into the subways, where it is 15 degrees hotter, there is no ventilation, and you are crammed with thousands of other sweaty bodies. If you go down into the subways you will have to endure something like the following, compliments of Overheard in New York

THE SUBWAYS

Lady on cell: Yes, that’s right. N as in ‘Nancy,’ M as in ‘umbrella’…
Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Conductor: This is a downtown V train — V as in ‘vasectomy.’
5th Ave, Overheard by: Kim

MTA announcement: The next train is a Brooklyn-bound C train. C as in ‘Shelly.’
59th St station, Overheard by: Trey Givens

Loud man on cell: No, no, her name starts with an F… No, F… F like in ‘phonics’! What? It doesn’t? Oh, well, I guess you could spell it that way, too.
–L train,

Loudspeaker: This is the B-as-in-’badass’ train. Transfer to the D and Four.
Yankee Stadium station

Ghetto girl on cell: C… No! C — like the last letter in ‘New York.’
103rd & Lex

But Not for Real

Thug: Hey, man… You look like you’re from California with that hair. Are ya?
Guy with long blond hair: Yes, I am.
Thug: How you like ‘at? I been thinkin’ about movin’ out to California.
Guy with long blond hair: It’s great — people are more real here in New York, though. I used to live in San Francisco, which is a great.
Thug: Oh, how far is San Francisco from California?
Guy with long blond hair: San Francisco is in California.
Thug: Oh, what city is it in?
Guy with long blond hair: San Francisco… Okay, this is my stop.

Manhattan-bound F train

I Meant Nowhere White People Would Want to Go

Blond Tourist Bimbo: I’ve never even heard of the G Train.
Blond Local Bimbo: Yeah, it’s a ghetto train.
Blond Tourist Bimbo: Where does it go?
Blond Local Bimbo: Nowhere.
Black eight-year-old boy: Except my home, bitch.

–G train Hoyt/Schermerhorn station. Overheard by: Ian Robertson

NewsFlash: Eccentric Dean of Electoral College Invokes Little-Known Constitutional Provision

Hobo: Attention, attention! I’m playing this saxophone to raise money for my spaceship!

Plays a horrible rendition of “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

Hobo: I’m going into space, and I’m taking George Bush with me!

Fellow passengers cheer.

–1 train

Comments

  1. Ike says:

    “Overheard at the Office” is my lunchtime guilty pleasure. One of these days, I’ll win the headline contest. Out of three entries to date, I have one Honorable Mention.

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