Paris Inspires Rapture & Post Confinement HOT Look

New York Times serious liberal readers absolutely freaked when the Gray Old Lady finally, finally got wise and put Paris in the lead story The rapture of ParisOnline with videos, big, vivid photos, a blog, and constantly-updated reports from the post-confinement front.  The comments on the Times blog were united in horror, with variations of: my god there is war and disease, discord, poverty and serious issues – what is this crap? Why is the Times doing this? Why – because it’s news and the L.A. County Sherriff’s spokesperson said that this was on a whole new level – bigger than O.J. or Charlie Manson – we’re talking end of the world stuff.

If the liberals would stop kvetching long enough to watch this AP video of the Paris prison release extravaganza on The New York Times website they would have seen that we are indeed in the midst of the rapture. Hallelujah! 

Who is that man on his knees? As soon as Paris was released from confinement he began screaming PARIS YOU DID IT, YOU DID IT, OUR PRINCESS IS FREE! He was waving a sign that said LIBERATE PARIS. Then, in a spooky desperate anguished cry he screamed repeatedly DON’T YOU EVER GO AWAY AGAIN and he fell to his knees crying. What’s really weird is that nobody seemed to pay attention to him. This is California, right?

There are two possible explanations for this behavior. Either he is a psychopath who should be kept out of these situations, lest he do  harm. Or he is a personification of our worst tendencies as a society and he has been sent as a sign that our idolization of false gods dooms us as a civilization. I fear the former and trust the latter. Paris may be our modern-day St. Joan, but she could also be the Anti-Christ. I can imagine that the Anti-Christ would really like Taco Bell after being forced to scarf gruel for 23 days.

Meanwhile, nobody can figure out how Paris looked so hot, absolutely radiant, after emerging from prison. It has already sparked a post-confinement beauty craze. A new facility has sprung up in Malibu called CONFINEMENT: IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU. Instead of 28 days in rehab you spend time in a mock prison. You have to wear an orange jumper, you shower in public, get a pillow if they feel like, and you have to sleep on a hard bed in a cold cell. Solitary confinement is extra. On your last day they fly in Frederick Fecacca to cut your hair, Selma Magoosh as colorist, Francine du Tush for makeup, and Mr. Severance to coordinate the outfit. Nothing makes you feel younger than freedom, baby. Take off those cuffs.

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